I was recently hanging out with a male friend of mine (let's call him "Nick"), and we were talking about our mutual male friend (let's call him, "Charlie"). I recounted to Nick a story of one of the first few times I talked to Charlie.
The very first time Charlie and I spoke was after a show both of our bands had just played. It was a sexually charged night (we played a female-empowered burlesque night at one of my favorite venue/bars), so naturally I got drunk and was giving oral sex advice to anyone who would listen. Charlie seemed particularly interested, listening wide-eyed and smiling. "Thanks!" he gurgled as he packed up his gear, "my name is Charlie, by the way" (we shook hands).
Because of a combination of whiskey and Belgian beer I forgot that this had happened. My band mate reminded me the next day during our usual "what happened last night?" re-cap. "Heh,"she giggled, "you were in RARE form...remember that kid Charlie? He came up to me after talking to you, and said that you told him 'how to go down on a girl.'" "Oh shit that's RIGHT," I blushed, "oh well, you know, guys need to know about that stuff."
The next time I saw Charlie, he pounced on the opportunity to tease me about our first encounter. "Thanks, by the way!" he gleamed, "my GIRLFRIEND really liked that."
He said the word "girlfriend" like he was trying to punch it into my skull with girlfriend shaped brass knuckles. I immediately felt weird."Why did he emphasize the word 'girlfriend' so much? Did he think that I was interested? Did he think that I was hitting on him when I was telling him about oral sex for girls?" I was embarrassed. Of course he thought I was hitting on him, who talks about oral sex if they aren't hitting on you? (<--Me. The answer is me, I do that).
At this point in the story, I turned to Nick (Remember? I was telling this story to Nick), and said: "Just so you know, I am NOT interested in Charlie."
NICK: Why not? He's...heh, he's a handsome man!
ME: Yeah he's cute I guess, but I have never wanted to, and I NEVER will sleep with Charlie ever. Ever. Like E-VER.
I mean, it's always better to be safe than sorry, so I can't really blame him. And I understand that if a girl is all "this is how you eat box," you'd probably think she was asking you to eat hers. But in this case, I wasn't saying that at all, and the way Charlie emphasized GIRLFRIEND made me very close to hitting him.
ME: I kind of hate how guys just assume we're super into them. I mean, I can kind of understand if a girl sort of brings up out of the blue that she has a boyfriend, because...
NICK: Yeah, because guys...heh.
ME: Yeah, but I was never into Charlie, so it was like...retarded.
NICK: You should probably like, send out a warning to guys "don't drop the G-bomb."
And it's like that even when you're just trying to date a guy. Guys are trying to "do the right thing" by letting us know that they "just want to have fun," but I kind of hate that usually men don't really preface these conversations very well. When a guy just starts telling me about how he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but he doesn't want anything serious right now, I usually want to vomit. It's insulting to just assume I have some
serious deep feelings that need to be talked about. It's best instead, to say something like "I don't know if you are actually into me or not, but just so we're on the same page, I'm not looking for anything serious right now." It's similar to what I'm talking about
here, it's frustrating when someone puts a staunch ending on something you weren't even into.
Also, the fact that Charlie apparently felt he needed to do that told me a few things about him:
(1) He felt some anxiety (or unease) about our interaction that he may have seen as in need of some correction.
(2) He did not pick up on my cues very well (in that he may have interpreted my speaking to him as flirting)
Ultimately, even though I have never felt anything but friendly towards this guy, I still felt weird when meeting his girlfriend. I was worried that he'd said that I'd hit on him, and that she would give me that look that women give when they are trying to say "he's mine, and you know it, back off."
This girl seemed very nice, so it wasn't a problem at all (thank God). But I haven't always been so lucky.
A few years ago, I was in Austin, TX for SXSW. I was staying in a house with a few other artists. This was my second time in Austin, the first time was with a guy who ended up breaking my heart, so during this trip I made a point to visit all of the places I had gone with that guy (I wanted to "make new memories" or something).
One of the other artists staying in the house was a sweet but miserable looking guy (let's call him "Dave"). We ended up hanging out quite a bit, talking about music, anime and other nerdy things. He admitted to me that he looked so bummed out because he had just broken up with his girlfriend, and they were in that stage when they are still talking every hour and crying. I felt for both of them, because I was also trying to move on and finding it difficult. He expressed a lot of anger towards the situation, but would never speak ill of her, constantly repeating "she's a good person though," as if it were a mantra, or as if he was trying to convince himself. I became her advocate: "maybe it isn't really over, but if it is, it's really hurtful if you aren't nice when you talk."
About a month after Austin, I noticed through facebook that they had gotten back together. "Good for them," I thought in passing. I didn't give it another thought until I saw Dave again at a show. I was performing, and he had promised to be there. He showed up with his girlfriend in tow, and I was kind of excited to meet this girl that I felt sort of close to in a way. However, I noticed through the crowd of people that she was looking at me with a sort of disdain. I tried to brush off that uneasy feeling that she didn't like me, but it wouldn't go away.
When I finally got a chance to walk over and say hi to Dave, she stepped in front of him, and grabbed my wrist with one hand, and clenched my hand with the other. She glared at me and hissed "HI. I'm Dave's GIRLFRIEND." I didn't know what to do. Clearly she didn't like me for some reason, and I assumed it was some weird distorted jealousy. I introduced myself, and then I immediately ran to the bathroom, crying. Why didn't she like me? I hadn't DONE anything. Every time I tried to talk to Dave that night, she'd pull him away angrily.
Eventually they broke up (I don't know what the exact timing of that was), and Dave apologized for that night after I'd gotten a chance to explain what had happened. "I'm so sorry," he admitted, "I think it was because there were pictures of us hanging out in Austin on facebook." Still, that's no reason to treat somebody like that.
I will say that I actually did end up dating Dave, but it was a while later. I didn't develop feelings for him until after he had broken up with that girl for the last time, and those feelings surprised me a little. So maybe she picked up on something that neither Dave or I did, but I think it was probably more paranoia on her end.
