More Reasons.

Diagnosis is my coping mechanism (but still, I'm not wrong).

Coping with anger is a funny thing. Actually, forget that, I've noticed that people partially define themselves by how they cope with strong emotions. We even get judge-y of how others cope with anger, fear, sadness, humiliation, guilt, etc. (ex:"can you believe she flipped out in front of all of those people?").

I'm an over-thinker. When something makes me angry or upset I ruminate. Things stick with me until I find some answer that my brain is happy with resting on. It's almost as if I have an open case-file for every bad thing that has ever happened to me. I need to find the culprit, diagnose it, pull it apart, and analyse the complexity until it becomes sterile. When my findings become clear and valid, like every other scientist, my conclusions become part of me. They change my work, and how I think about my path. The availability heuristic takes over, and for a while the solution manifests itself in many seemingly disparate situations. 'This is the answer of the moment.'

Recently I had to deal with a very upsetting man-boy. I had to deal with him in a semi-professional setting, so I couldn't really speak freely. I feel much better today, because, I've analyzed all of the clues he gave as to why he is such as asshole.

He has many strengths. He is supportive of his friends' work, and can show delight in others' abilities. He has a great aptitude for what he does, and is willing to help others learn how to work as well as he does. He tries to have a "good time," and encourages others to do so. He tries to include others in his success, and encourages "sharing the spotlight."

However, many people feel that his personality is difficult to work with. He only speaks inappropriately, and at times seems to lose control of himself and has small fits of joy or anger. At times he can be incredibly focused and calm, seeming to "tunnel in" on a task at hand. He gets irritated easily, and oscillates between hypo-mania and eye-contact avoidant defensiveness. He speaks highly of himself, "bravado" is an understatement. Usually the more expressive declarations of bravado are followed by "acting-out." When he "acts-out," he will ask questions which he appears to believe will make others uncomfortable. He is unapologetic for his actions, however he does appear to have remorse, although he does not seem to have the skills required to express remorse to others. He is constantly deflecting: hiding himself behind context, and statements which he perceives will be shocking to others.

phew. I feel better now.

You wished that I would see your life in helvetica.

Annoyingly,

I dissected your every move, and every element in your apartment. In the same way that I will not be yet another idiot girl, you will be pinned to a card, and put in a drawer. I had to protect myself from your obvious smugness. You behaved as though hidden cameras were capturing it all: how attractive, aloof, off-handedly intelligent, and secretly wounded you are. The slight hesitation before your smirk gives you away. The translation of “this is how I will get her to kiss me,” slows your motion. You have a tell. You wished that I would see your life in helvetica. But ultimately, all of the clues reveal that, yes, you are well-groomed, and re-capitulate your process with your targets. The precise amounts of vintage references, GRE words, beers, and deep “secrets” are calculated as you go. Just trust me when I say this: I noticed every time you gave yourself personal accolades for boundaries you think you may have almost talked me into crossing.

I suppose I left for lack of trust, and also:

You seemed like just another one of those guys who probably would’ve liked me better if I still weighed 87 pounds.

asuka

We are embedded.

How do I know what I know? She asked, but was answered: Because you see your own truth. But, how do I know that is my perception? Because you can only trust your own senses. But how do I—We know this through study.

While alone, she thought: but I see numbers, and hear words. I tell you numbers, but you hear words. A sound of seventy-six is different from a sound of severed and snakes and sick. A digit does not give enough. Numbers are colored with sounds. A tone is a number, as is a song, chorus, symphony.

But why are they named with letters? She asked, but was answered: Because that is the way it has been done.

But letters do not explain the whole picture, and neither do numbers, it seems. They let her continue:

Perhaps then, the way it has been done we have mistaken for an answer. She realized that they did not look peaceful, but worn. The pause-to-pause acceptance of what it is shall be shall be shall be, had wizened them.